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Humor is a funny thing. There is the raw physical humor of the Three Stooges. There’s the witty humor of Monty Python. And then there’s the unexplained involuntary convulsions of laughter we experience when someone gets clipped in the family jewels. All three are funny to us, and from time to time you come across a stretch of creative genius that combines all three to various degrees. Ascension is one such video. It’s a little over 13 minutes long, but I guarantee it’s worth every second.            If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Youtube, it’s that I have a strange sense of humor. I know this because as I scroll through my Youtube channel subscriptions, I’m surprised by how many quirky youtubers I’m subscribed to. I find myself rolling at some of the things they say and do in these videos. Take for example this video about drinking your own breast milk. Karen Alloy recorded herself enjoying a cookie along with a bottle of her breast milk. Now, I know what your thinking. Maybe I’m just a sicko and the whole breast thing is what attracted me to this video. Well, you’d be wrong. While I like walking abreast of people, and ordering chicken breast at a nice restaurant, I’m not 12 any more and the word breast just doesn’t command my attention as much as it (hey look at those) used too. I actually saw the follow up video first, which features Karen Alloy eating deodorant and drinking glass cleaner (No, I’m sure they weren’t real). That was so funny, I had to see what the joke was and so ensued the breast milk video. Here’s the follow up video Now, I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t drink breast milk. I’m sure it has lots of nutritional merits, but I gotta tell ya, the whole 98.6 thing just doesn’t do it for me (not even with a cookie). So, I’ll put the question to you. Would you drink your own breast milk? Yes, I do understand that the question really lends itself for women to answer. If you’re a harry legged dude with a breast pump and an Internet connection, let me be clear…I don’t want to know (I just think the video is funny). While you’re considering your answer, be sure to check out the rest of spricket24’s channel while you’re at it. I think she’s pretty funny. Even if she does drink her own breast milk (did she really). Peace, Chaz Have you ever wished you could rewind a cell phone conversation to just before the point where you stick your foot in your mouth? I have, more than once. When I was stationed in 29 Palms California in the Marines, a thousand years ago, I made a top notch phone blunder. One night while I was on barracks duty I answered the phone to the voice of a young lady who was looking for a Marine who lived in the barracks. Earlier that evening the Marine had stopped in and left a message that if Ulanda called, tell her he’d call her back when he returned to the barracks. Now it wasn’t my responsibility to play answering machine, but barracks duty lasts all night and when you don’t have anything else to do in the middle of the desert, you try to be as helpful as you can be. So when this young lady called asking for the Marine, I naturally assumed she was Ulanda. So, I said, “Is this Ulanda?” It was, in no uncertain terms, NOT Ulanda. Never again did I ask a woman if she was some other woman. So when I saw this phone etiquette video, I could certainly relate to his pain. Step one: Admit there is a problem yes, you have a problem. when the first and last thing (and about 40 more things) you do in a day is check for new tweets, you are addicted. When you constantly look at your iPhone every time someone tweets, you are addicted. Admit this to yourself and move on. Its the only way. Step two: Crystal Meth Try doing something less addictive to take your mind off of Twitter. Something like Crack or Crystal Meth should do the trick. No longer will you obsess about Twitter. You will be getting out and interacting in the world. True, the interaction is probably armed robbery or car jacking, but there are government programs to help with that. Twitter addiction, on the other hand, is totally without government support. Step three: Go Offline The only way to truly get Twitter under control is to sever the artery of the internet. It is an extremely painful process (due to ISP paperwork and upsells) but a necessary one. Power down that monitor and yell “Get behind me Satan” at the top of your lungs. Step four: Twinkies This is going to be a rough time for you. the best known remedy is to drown your sorrows in Little Debbie snack cakes and Twinkies. Just saying the word, “twinkie” makes you feel bloated and greasy. What better way to remove any inkling of Twitter in your life could there be? Steps five thru twelve: There really are no other steps, because once you get hooked on Twinkies, Twitter pales by comparison. so far no one has ever needed additional steps. One of the potential steps that were thought up were “Neuro-Shock Therapy”, where tall really fat men were dressed in tutu’s and told to dance Swan Lake while eating M&M’s and carrying a duck. NST was originally developed by the military from a psychological weapons division, but even the military felt it was too cruel for practical use. Well, hopefully you have cured your Twitter addiction enough to live a happy government controlled life. And as always, pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. Toff Ward p.s. When the Twinkies run out, follow me on Twitter …. @peddlewin |
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